VULNERABILITY

Girls, have you guys ever walk alone with your t-shirt and jeans on and saw a group of other girls walk pass by you? Have you ever check the girls out? Not because you're a lesbian or whatever, probably just cause you wanna compare yourself to them? How come she has nice skin? How come she has a perfect body? How come her thigh is so small? ETC

Any of you feel fat? Any of you feel you have to cover yourself with your hair on your face cause you have pimples? Any of you ever feel you have a nose the size of Jupiter? Any of you ever feel... not good enough? That's what I feel most of the time. It will make me cry, sometimes. I will cry myself to sleep thinking about the Victoria Secret models.. how they're so tall, thinking about Emma Watson... how she's so pretty, thinking about Megan Fox... how she has the body to die for...

I am an XL girl. I was quite chubby back in high school too. But my current body weight is so bad i feel like vomiting every time I weigh my self. When I was 15, I liked this guy. Who likes one of my friend. She's really pretty... and skinny. I wanted to be like her. So, I will purposely vomit everything i ate. It was hard. I was weak. Few weeks past, i didn't lose that much weight (probably just around 3 - 4 kgs) but i was definitely weak. I cant think. Later, i stopped this stupid habit. When I was 16, I was still conscious about my weight, honestly, I was actually not that chubby like right now. Around August 2009, i tried this diet, for a month. I'm proud to say I lost around 10kgs. I fit all my cloths and I was a size M - L. The diet was somehow too extreme. I ate an apple a day and a few glass of water + an hour of running. It was a success. Then after that, I gained weight drastically and continuously until now. I have no idea what had happened. Now, I can say my weight is at its worse state as ever. I won't say how much I weigh (duh-) but let's say, I'm not happy with it.



Now, feeling insecure and vulnerable as ever. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm not at the verge of committing suicide though cause that's just plain stupid. I would just like to feel beautiful and actually fit into my jeans. I guess I'll just exercise and see what happens..